Since it’s Valentines day (for 39 more minutes and dwindling) I was doing some reflecting on my drive home on how far I’ve come relationship-wise over the past 20 years. I wish I could tell you guys something juicy and scandalous and interesting about my past relationships so you all could think I was always so cool and the “it girl”. Unfortunately, that is far from the truth. The first time I ever even held hands with a boy was March 21, 2016. I was born on December 17, 1995. If you do the math (I’ll help you out here), I was 20 years old. I didn’t have my first kiss until April of 2016. Again, 20 years old. Lame, huh? That’s what I always thought. Here’s where I’ll get into the backstory for those of you who are curious or maybe can relate to the course of my not-so-lengthy or exciting love life. I’m hoping that those of you who are feeling unwanted, or feeling like you’ll NEVER find that special someone, or that you’re destined to live your life alone will find comfort in my story, because those are things I felt every day for about 5-10 years of my life.
As a preteen/teenager (as you have probably experienced yourself), boys were THE THING to focus on. As you’ve gathered by now, I didn’t fare so well in that department. I spent many days and nights crying and crying over how much I wish I had a boyfriend, or wishing someone had even a crush on me, and trying to think of all of the things that were wrong with myself that could explain why I was completely and totally ignored. I wasn’t 100% lonely in middle/high school; I had a great group of girl friends that were always there for me and I loved them to pieces. But it’s hard as a middle schooler when all of your friends had boyfriends, or reciprocated crushes, and you’re hearing about who likes who and whatnot, and you’re never involved in those conversations. Girl friends just couldn’t fill the void of being wanted and loved by a boy; I wanted someone to tell me I was pretty (someone I could believe wasn’t saying it because they had to). Someone to bring me flowers just because they were thinking of me. Even just someone I could change my Facebook relationship status to “in a relationship” for – and not as an April fool’s joke. Because I felt so lonely, my self esteem was basically nonexistent. I have pages on pages of diary entries where I would try to work out why I was so stupid, so ugly, so shy, so annoying, so unwanted, and how I could fix myself and make myself more appealing to boys. Usually these diary entries came to the same conclusion: if I just went away, no one would notice or care, and then I would be put out of my misery, and no one would have to hear me cry about anything ever again. Sometimes there gets to be points now where I still think that way (although they are few and far between – thank God) and it makes me so upset because it’s a vicious cycle that’s incredibly hard to break, no matter how many amazing people I’m surrounded by. Thinking now about how sad I was at this point in my life is absolutely heartbreaking. I wish I could go back and give old Meaghan a hug because that’s all she ever wanted (and needed). I know everyone says that you shouldn’t get your self confidence from a boy, and it should come from self love, but tell that to an 8th grader who sat around every year on Valentine’s day hoping one of the candygrams passed out at school would miraculously be for her. Every Valentine’s day was the same for me; I’d try to look my absolute best, pull out all the stops, in hopes that someone random would pop out of the woodwork and proclaim their undying love for me. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way, and I was left devastated year after year. It wasn’t until my junior year of COLLEGE that everything started to turn around. I found someone who appreciated me for ME, who didn’t think I was too stupid, or ugly, or too shy, or annoying, and who DEFINITELY wanted me. A year into this relationship, I now realize why I was put through everything I went through in my middle/high school years. This is how I look at it: I was miraculously saved from having to go through any true heartbreak. My heart is pretty much brand new. Of course I went through what I THOUGHT was heartbreak (rejection/loneliness) but in reality, God was just saving me for someone so special and worthy of my time so I could be the best version of myself for them.
I guess the moral of this entire post is this: if you’re feeling what I felt in the past; that no one wants you, that no one pays attention to you, that all hope is lost and there’s no one out there that could ever love you just the way you are: think again. A year ago, I had NO romance on the horizon. And now I’m spending almost every day with my soul mate. Every day that you’re single is another day that you’re escaping the heartbreak and drama of being with someone who is wrong for you, and another day that God is saving you for that right person. When the time comes, all of the puzzle pieces will fall into place. I’ve heard the saying so much that you find exactly what you need when you stop looking, and that is so true. Focus on loving yourself, and doing what you love, and the rest will come together so easily.